Details

This week I was thinking about how to be kind with others requires more than just good will! It requires presence and attention to details; a more observing and communicative, and less judgmental attitude.

The insight came from something as simples as an afternoon coffee with my parents; a habit at home, that clearly shows how each human being is unique. My dad likes to use a small cup with plate, a mini spoon and sweetener! My mom likes medium cup and spoon, and dark sugar! And I prefer a mug, big spoon and caster sugar.

For many times, due to lack of attention, because I thought it wasn’t important, and even over laziness; I ignored these differences. The kindness of making the coffee would be incomplete: they had to change whatever was there for what they really preferred. If I had paid attention from the beginning, the “effort” would be the same and the result much better.

Thing is we tend to forget each person is a universe; and that we didn’t come to this World with a crystal ball attached to our waist to figure out what’s going on in that universe. We think that what we are doing is the “right” thing, and that this is enough. But, is what I consider as “right”, as “good”, as “whatever”; really what the other thinks, wants or needs?

It is more or less like trying to make a blind man, who’s standing in a corner, cross the street just because he was there; and fail to understand why the person is pissed off. “But what about my super good will in being kind; how could he have missed it?” Well, here is the proof that the intention is not always what counts.

With dear ones and acquaintances it is similar! With time and routine little things end up as the last strike. From one side, the one trying to get it right feels devalued; from the other, the one that always accepts or reinforces preferences, feels the same. The solution is simple (in essence at least)! To ask, instead of assuming or judging what the other is thinking, is always a good start. However, I believe that the best kindness is one attentive to details.

We are constantly offering tips of what we like or need trough speech, examples and attitudes. If you had pleasant surprises, such as: receiving a candy from someone just because he/she knew it was your favorite; telling someone you are feeling your trough and get a knock from that person on your room’s door 15 minutes later, with a hot cup of tea; receiving a pen during a meeting from someone that notice your is gone; or any other unexpected attention based kindness; you know what I’m talking about.

And that’s why today I’m trying to listen, observe, ask, and pay attention to the details. Those that are important to the other or that show what they might need in that moment. They are all potential acts of kindness! And each time I take the opportunity and make someone happier, calmer, or reinforce my love or friendship; I certainly improve my now and my future. Kindness and attention have this fantastic ability to make today better and to come back our way, on way or another.

Sustain what?

“Sustainability: to meet the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs” (Brundtland Commission, 1987).

Sustainability is a broad concept that touches economic, social and environmental aspects. I won't discuss them ere. If you are interested, there's an incredible amount of information being produced and soon I'll post some interesting links.

Sustainability is also currently a trend. A beautiful, big word; which practicality escapes most mortals. Certainly, either someone you know, or even yourself, have popped the crucial question: “Ok? So, what's in it for me? I live here and now; and let's be honest I don't even know if I'll contribute to the next generation by making a baby”.

After all, not only our generation must suffer with the lack of conscious and exacerbated greed of the previous one; but should we also reduce our comfort to benefit the next one? Come on!

But, what if sustainability could be a form of kindness to us, besides the others and the World, right now?

That's why what I want to highlight here is the applicability of the concept in the creation of a better NOW  and not of a better future.

Let's take one theme among the constellation of sustainability themes. One that is already fully known and promoted all around: the three R’s: Reduce, Re-use and Recycle. And just to make the point clearer; let's focus only on the first of the three! And, let's leave the symbolic merit of how good it is for the heart and soul to free spaces for another time. Let's focus only on personal benefits and practical atittudes!

To reduce – an act of kindness to myself now!

• If plastic bags seem to multiply during the night in your home as they do in mine; I'm sure you are fully aware of the advantage of taking your own bag to the supermarket.

• As well observed by business people, economists and housewives: all variables maintained, spending less means more money at the end of the month to be used as desired. Are you tired of the decoration in your living room? Why not give it a new style by using some of the things your best friends are keeping in their cabinets? Why not turn this into a chance to spend time with dear ones; but also, an opportunity to have something with his/her energy constantly reminding you of how happy you are for having friends? Plus you'll be helping them to re-use.

• And do I really need to illustrate the benefits of saving water by having shower together? Even if  it is only once a week to make sure it won't come a boring routine!

Honestly, there is a zillion of ideas like this! Sustainability doesn't need to be a boring and tiring subject! It doesn't need to be in our reality as a burden. Nor a nightmare in which if I don't do things right, the World will end and it'll be my entire fault!

Of course it is essential to be kind enough to guarantee the needs of the next generations will be met. But let's also be kind enough not to haunt them with the weight of our "sacrifices"? There are more positive, more creative and funnier ways of looking at this subject in our lives. What if instead we became legends? What if, we live funny sustainability tales, and not only become happier now, but also have something to tell the next generations?

I challenge you to try! And invite you to post these tales, ideas and actions on the comments!

A couple of videos

Using the seat belt is law in most places. However if you have problems following the law, please, think of it as an act of kindness towards your life and the sanity of those that actually care about you. This beautiful movie might help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-8PBx7isoM

The second is an extraordinare speech by Aimee Mullins, a extraordinare person! It makes us think about the power of words, of dancing with adversity, of rare and wonderful; and of the human spirit! A true lesson about how our choices in simple things can help us to create a better now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTwXeZ4GkzI

About tables

Yesterday I went out with some of these close friends with whom you feel at home wherever you are. We went to a ‘buteco’; a type of Brazilian pub that looks a lot like a beer garden.  Wooden tables outside, a chair that is a bit uncomfortable, low light, incredibly cold beer and yummy food, the kind that clogs your heart only by thinking of it.

While I was waiting for them to arrive, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Restless; I observed people around, kept reading the menu, constantly looked  the time on my mobile, and over texted... The only thing I was doing a bit slower was to drink my beer (just because I didn't want to be drunk when they'd finally arrived).

My friends came mostly at the same time; and I became someone else! Someone a lot more like me and whose company I enjoy much more! I was all smiles and even my worries were transformed in jokes.

In our table there was a bit of everything: drinkers and non-drinker; christians and pagans; vegetarians and meat lovers. But, above all, there was a total inexistence of labels and judgments. Nobody “should be or do” differently; nobody wanted the other to be something other than themselves. There was no stress or charges, and the mood remained even with the bill's arrival.

During the whole time I was with them, I completely forgot about the rest of the pub and about my mobile-watch. For me, time disappeared! I was exactly where I should and wanted to be! Present! Whole!

And this is why I simply adore tables... Not the object, the symbol!

Be it in a pub, home, restaurant, café, hall of residence, or garden; the table is the place in which there were presence and sharing, equality, human heat, body and soul nutrition.

Besides, the table is always a place of kindness... “let me serve you”, “can you pass me the salt, please?”, “another bite, anyone?”, “wow, this is amazing, can I get the recipe!”, “I'll wash; after all you've already cooked”, “hey, can I get you another glass?”, “Do you need some help?”, “I brought a bottle of wine for us to have with the pizza”, “I'll get this next round”, “I looove you, maaan!”...

A well lived table is a memory that remains, even when people isn't there anymore or the moment has gone. It survives the distance of Oceans. And I can say this with the property of someone that calls Skype talks “let's have a coffee” just because they once were real talks and coffees. Table moments.

Tables that have little to do with the type or quantity of food and drink you take, and a lot with the way you do it. A well lived table changes its participants, feeds the soul, sweetens life, opens space for new knowledge, allows healing, calms anxieties, and establishes bonds.

At home, a coffee almost never is only a coffee; and a Sunday roast always ends up a small event. And this is why I can't stand to have lunch in front of the TV or the computer. And this is also why I insist so much on tea breaks, happy hours and dinners; real and virtual coffees; they have always given and keep giving me a much better now!

5 minutes

Not long ago, I read a very good book called “The mind gym”. You can find more info about it and other activities from its authors at: http://www.themindgym.com/.

The book suggests simple exercises to improve the efficiency of our mind, many of them bringing its attention to 'now'. This week I remembered one I called “5 minutes”. It consists of focusing your attention on whatever you are doing for an extra ‘5 minutes’ before you take a break, have a snack, or move to the next activity. Together with a 'to-do list', preferably with set deadlines; the exercise is miraculous.

In a way this week was the reverse of last one. I finished activities without wasting (too much) energy in mental trips and online distractions. I got less tired and felt better because I achieved proposed results and this improved my mood and my kindness (with me and the others). Plus, I had much more energy to enjoy leisure moments and, for example, dance for 4 uninterrupted hours on Friday (I must confess the comfy shoes and nice company helped a lot too).

So, the challenge for this week is to keep this vibe going even if only for another 5 minutes.

I also take advantage of the "International Women's Day" to suggest: be kind with a woman this week! Especially if she is you!

And get used to doing it more frequently. If the date exists certainly is because we forgot we deserve kindness for a while. Kindness that means respect to who we are; our ways; our wishes, dreams and needs; our kind strength; our wholeness.

No woman used to kindness accepts to act in a different way towards other women and men. Being kind to ourselves we'll be kind to others. No woman used to kindness accepts to be treated in a different way by other women and men. By being kind with ourselves we'll help to break paradigms and we'll create a better now. I dream of a day in which we won't need an "international day" to remind ourselves and the World our value. Until there, I wish all women a kind and “happy women's day”.