The kindness of a touch

This week I received a presentation with a text from “The power of touch” by author Phyllis K Davis; about the importance of the touch in the different life stages of a person (copied below).

As soon as I finished reading I thought how happy I am for been born in a country (and in a family) in which touching, hugging, giving affection, or kissing is valued and learned from an early age. I also remembered a few times in which this was very clear to me:

My reception in an European airport.
Picture the scene: Me, all happy for being alone in Europe for the first time for a blood donation event. Her, a Danish volunteer with a super good vibe and a paper with my name in it. Of course, the first impulse I had (as soon as I processed my name) was to go say hello to her with a big hug. What a surprise when she froze completely confused. “Am I stinking this much?” (I thought). But soon I realized that she had no idea how to respond to ‘that’ so she just politely waited until the crazy sentimental Brazilian girl (me) ‘finished’.

A chat between two Brazilian girls and two Portuguese boys.
Scene: my friend and I trying to explain to the guys that it was common to give good night kisses to our parents; that children were stimulated (from the dippers, if possible) to kiss their aunties, grannies, cousins, etc; and that friends would not be embarrassed or confused with hugging, kissing, and touching each other.
Dialogue:
Them (a bit scared): “But how do you know the difference?”
Us (slightly surprised): “What difference?”
Them: “How do you know someone is not hitting on you?”
Us (completely confused): “We just know, for God’s sake!”
How was I to explain that it is all a matter of subtle details learned since you were born? The intensity of the touch, body language, looks, smiles… Affection between friends is much different than flirting. Isn’t that obvious? Well, not for them!

A year in England.
Understand the context: Different than what most think before visiting, English people are not cold. However, culturally they have a different way to express affection that doesn’t include touching (but often includes a cup of tea). That doesn’t mean people don’t hug there; just that you have to find the ‘hugging people’ first. The thing is that, while trying not to embarrass anyone, we end up losing that lovely spontaneity of greeting with a hug or a kiss.
I remember talking about how much I was missing a good hug in an event after watching this fantastic video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 about this fantastic free hug campaign.
Result: I received hugs everyday and started a trend. These were kind people, no doubt.

All just to say that: when I first read the text I wasn’t even thinking about kindness, presence or a better now. The last weeks were exhausting. Without noticing a month was gone without me writing or even thinking much about the subject. My aunt was the one who called my attention.

And you know what?! The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with her! First because if there’s something that keeps me reasonably balanced when I’m going through a turbulent time is affection. Supportive and attentive touches, kisses and hugs are immeasurable acts of kindness. And I think it is impossible not to let yourself go and not to be 100% present when the affection is obvious and spontaneous. They have this incredible ability to instantly relax us. They take away the tension and bring a smile straight away! They make our now much better. And you know what: they are also addictive. That girl from the airport is a dear friend now and we always exchange huge hugs when we meet.

I swear I could do a dissertation about the subject, but all I really want to do is leave you with an idea! Do yourself a favour today: hug, kiss, touch, massage, support, care, show affection for someone! But do it with no worries, no boundaries, no fear of being happy and making someone happy. Let go and enjoy the moment to the most. Than drop by and tell me if it did or didn’t make your now better! I don’t know, but I guess it will; and I believe happier people have more energy to provoke change and make a happier World!

Please Touch Me!! - Phyllis K Davis

If I am a baby, please touch me
I need your touch in ways you may never know.
Don't just wash and change and feed me,
But rock me close, kiss my face and stroke my body.
Your soothing gentle touch says security and love.

If I am a child, please touch me
Though I may resist even push away
Persist. Find ways to meet my needs
Your goodnight hug helps sweeten my dreams
Your daytime touching tells me how I really feel.

I am your teenager, please touch me
Don't think because I am almost grown,
I don't need to know you still care
I need your loving arms; I need your tender voice.
When the road gets rocky, then the child in me still needs.

If I am a friend, please touch me
Nothing lets me know like a warm embrace
A healing touch when I am depressed assures me I am loved
And reassures me I am not alone.
Yours may be the only comforting touch I get.

If I am your sexual partner, touch me
You may think that your passion is enough
But only your arms hold back the fears
I need your tender reassuring touch
To remind me I am loved just because I am me.

If I am your grown up child, please touch me
Though I may have a family of my own to hold
I still need Mummy's and Daddy's arms when I hurt
As a parent the view is different
I appreciate you more.

If I am your aging parent, please touch me
The way I was touched when I was very young
Hold my hands, sit close to me, give me strength,
And warm my tired body with your nearness.
Although my skin is worn and wrinkled, it loves to be stroked.
Don't be afraid; just touch me.

About tables

Yesterday I went out with some of these close friends with whom you feel at home wherever you are. We went to a ‘buteco’; a type of Brazilian pub that looks a lot like a beer garden.  Wooden tables outside, a chair that is a bit uncomfortable, low light, incredibly cold beer and yummy food, the kind that clogs your heart only by thinking of it.

While I was waiting for them to arrive, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Restless; I observed people around, kept reading the menu, constantly looked  the time on my mobile, and over texted... The only thing I was doing a bit slower was to drink my beer (just because I didn't want to be drunk when they'd finally arrived).

My friends came mostly at the same time; and I became someone else! Someone a lot more like me and whose company I enjoy much more! I was all smiles and even my worries were transformed in jokes.

In our table there was a bit of everything: drinkers and non-drinker; christians and pagans; vegetarians and meat lovers. But, above all, there was a total inexistence of labels and judgments. Nobody “should be or do” differently; nobody wanted the other to be something other than themselves. There was no stress or charges, and the mood remained even with the bill's arrival.

During the whole time I was with them, I completely forgot about the rest of the pub and about my mobile-watch. For me, time disappeared! I was exactly where I should and wanted to be! Present! Whole!

And this is why I simply adore tables... Not the object, the symbol!

Be it in a pub, home, restaurant, café, hall of residence, or garden; the table is the place in which there were presence and sharing, equality, human heat, body and soul nutrition.

Besides, the table is always a place of kindness... “let me serve you”, “can you pass me the salt, please?”, “another bite, anyone?”, “wow, this is amazing, can I get the recipe!”, “I'll wash; after all you've already cooked”, “hey, can I get you another glass?”, “Do you need some help?”, “I brought a bottle of wine for us to have with the pizza”, “I'll get this next round”, “I looove you, maaan!”...

A well lived table is a memory that remains, even when people isn't there anymore or the moment has gone. It survives the distance of Oceans. And I can say this with the property of someone that calls Skype talks “let's have a coffee” just because they once were real talks and coffees. Table moments.

Tables that have little to do with the type or quantity of food and drink you take, and a lot with the way you do it. A well lived table changes its participants, feeds the soul, sweetens life, opens space for new knowledge, allows healing, calms anxieties, and establishes bonds.

At home, a coffee almost never is only a coffee; and a Sunday roast always ends up a small event. And this is why I can't stand to have lunch in front of the TV or the computer. And this is also why I insist so much on tea breaks, happy hours and dinners; real and virtual coffees; they have always given and keep giving me a much better now!

A kind re-start

“If my mind can conceive, and my heart can believe, I know I can achieve” (Jesse Jackson).

Learnings of the week:

“When my mind conceives too much my body suffers!”.

Lack of balance between hours in front of the computer and hours of leisure, produces body, head and eyes ache, and difficulty to sleep and relax. Trust me!

“Not everything our mind conceives is believed by our hearts!”

If you are creative and have ever tried the lottery; you certainly have seen yourself smiling at the tube imagining your trillions. As well as thought of things like "well, but it is impossible to win anyway", etc. In a smaller scale the idea is the same for any over imagined project or barriers we build to achieve results. Sometimes the mind conceives too much; sometimes the heart believes too little.

“You can learn via love or pain!”

I challenge you to try not to remain present during a waxing! You may dream of stream and birds singing, but one pull is enough to bring you completely back to now. It is always possible to learn through pain; but, isn't it a better choice to try to be present in a dinner with friends, for example?

“To achieve what our heart believes it is necessary to keep the focus on now”

Until humanity invents teleport, to go from one place to the other requires one step (or a flown mile) after the other. Big projects are made of small and cumulative attitudes. Presence is essential, since in many cases maintaining focus doesn't mean knowing where you are going, but acting in order to make the trip possible.

“Honest acts of kindness and presence produce more natural and better outcomes than a compulsion for results”.

Results are consequences; and no matter how planned they escape most of our control. However, as Kevin Costner, I believe that "if you build, they will come". Positive actions generate positive reactions; coherence between discourse and attitude too.

So, this was my week in essence; much learning only possible after much reflection. Concretely, this week I thought about many things I needed or wanted to do. Notebook at hand, I listed each and every thing I thought important and defined few initial actions.

With a 05 page (only!) list; I closed the notebook; memorized some actions; and with that "well done me" feeling; allowed myself to an Internet break. And... didn't open the notebook no more! I spent hours on the computer between e-mails and facebook applications, articles and movies. I found some inspirational things, but I also found a lot of things that made me get out of reality. And, if I started to clarify the campaign for me and the world, I also saw me disconnecting from now.

In my mind a voice (probably Jesse Jackson's) was telling me I could achieve anything; and that I should focus on Hollywood to say the least. But as “not everything our mind conceives is believed by our hearts!”; I spent hours in the computer thinking about a billion “What Ifs?”; without one concrete outcome. I barely slept and I almost got sick. Because “when the mind conceives too much the body suffers!”, no doubt!

Worst! While doing crazy plans I stopped paying attention on what was essential: to be kind and present! Half (a far) way to a Kung Fu class I remembered I had forgotten my trousers. I went back home fuming, wanting to punch something (if not myself) for being unable to walk the talk. . The anger made kindness (with me and the others) disappears. But at least I landed on reality; rediscovering that “one can learn via love or pain!”

Next morning I took a deep breath and re-started. I brought plans to reality and actions to the present. I fixed the blog and gave some time to projects that also needed attention. I did what was possible and soon I started receiving some virtual and presencial support. Their symbolic value was enough to give me my presence back and reminded me that “to achieve what our heart believes it is necessary to keep the focus on now”.

The small victories helped me to regain balance. I wa able to be kind, what made me promote the blog in an unexpected level. At the same time, past kindnesses came back with positive results. It all confirmed that “honest acts of kindness and presence produce more natural and better outcomes than a compulsion for results”.

So, hopefully, all this has result in a clearer campaign with better chances of becoming reality. To participate, check the different links such as the "Join” one, but do not limit yourself to them. This campaign is not finished; as neither of us is. It is however, full of a hope that we are all on our way to a better now! I know mine is already changing!

“If my mind can conceive and my heart can believe; I know I can achieve” (Jesse Jackson).

Main concepts

Three concepts are essential to this campaign:

Choice: directly connected with the idea of ‘freedom’, choice is the basis of this campaign; that believes no change is possible without a conscious personal participation. Without choice, no kindness or presence will happen. Without it, people won’t embrace their responsibility regarding a better now or a better World; they can not accept their acts have consequences (either positive or negative) and therefore can’t provoke change in the present.

Kindness: The concept encloses ideals of respect, empathy, service and non-violence; translated into different concrete actions. It is voluntary; therefore, it differs from citizenship or obligation. It is also altruistic; not expecting (although it doesn’t exclude the possibility happening) advantages or recognition. It is applied with the sole objective to create a better now for oneself and the others.

Presence: Related to ideals of integrity, honesty, acceptance and joy; refers to an ability to be whole where one is. It is not related to specific activities but to a state of mind, where there is attention and perception; to a state of heart where one is happy and satisfied; and to a sensorial state of consciousness and vibration with the moment. Living the now and fully ceasing it.

The basis for making kindness and presence concrete is personal choice. Their application can happen in different manners (simple or complex actions) and levels (personal, societal and environmental). These are but a few examples to clarify how a person could enrol to the campaign, by changing his/her perception, behaviour or discourse. More examples and explanation about the concepts will be provided on the blog posts.

Simple actions of kindness:

- Personal (oneself). To ignore and change inner diminishing voices; to respect oneself doing what’s in accordance to own values and heart, instead of just to please someone else or the society.

- Societal (the others). To treat the waitress in a café with a smile and patience despite anything; open and hold doors; breaks paradigms; do what needs to be done to help.

- Environmental (the World). To take care of an abandoned pet; support free range; plant a tree; reduce wastage.

Complex subjects related to kindness:

Gender empowerment and equality, personal development, blood donation, human rights, volunteering, recycling, and diversity; among others.

Simple actions of presence:

- Personal. To get to know ourselves and our values, being honest with and about ourselves and living with integrity. To enjoy a dish tasting every bit, every flavour, texture, temperature instead of swallowing it. To read a book and feel the texture of its cover, the fingers turning the pages, the story creating life in the mind and taking the heart with it.

- Societal. To sit with friends without rush enjoying their company; listening to what they are saying, and to what they are not saying behind tired eyes or smiles. To do your work with attention and diligence; understanding that it is part of a chain reaction that impacts on others lives and tasks.

- Environmental. To notice and to follow life's rhythms; wake up with the spring, become lighter with summer, take things easy with fall, retreat to yourself in the winter. To understand the consequences ones acts for that moment and for years to come.

Complex subjects related to presence:

Slow food movement, nutrition, transformational leadership, CSR – Corporate Social Responsibility, sustainability, and responsible consumption; among others.

Results and new starts

Well, Saturday was “Day to choose not to procrastinate and do what I have to do!” And I really managed to do it, but soon I found out a few things:

- if this is your decision try not to unite: leaving all the projects from the week to this day and inviting a couple of friends to go to your place at different hours. You’ll end up exhausted, trust me!

- notice that “do what I have to do” is a wide concept that, if not properly defined beforehand, leaves a lot of space for things not to happen at all!

- Be realistic and balanced! Do not try to solve your life that particular day or at least go to bed earlier the night before!

At the end, Saturday ended at 4am on Sunday. It was an excellent day but for reasons more related to presence and its commonly demanded honesty; and to the huge ability true friendship has to help you discover and/or remember who you are.

Saturday was also important to show me that I might need to take things easier, instead of giving me huge and little defined challenges.

Well, today was a having a break day. A day to propose new challenges to the new week!

The first is to be kinder with myself and lower my expectations. Let the concepts flow and start to become part of who I am, noticing how they manifest during the week. To observe more, use less structure and writing, and deepen concepts and contents.

The second is to take responsibility for my own life, which, for me, is a way to exercise presence in a personal level. To define strategies and paths; intentions, wishes and dreams; but mostly to set stones: activities and actions to achieve my objectives. It includes the campaign and the blog that are going to go through a reflection and some changes to gain more clarity!

So, don’t go no where!

Thursday – Day to work on my presence and do one thing at a time!

Today was one of those days in which I can say with property that “easily said than done”! I can’t even say I started the day well. I brushed my teeth while taking the bathroom’s trash out... and that was the rhythm of the day; with few exceptions in which I really started a task and went all the way to its end.

Even now, I’m chatting with a friend online and writing the text to the blog! Total failure!

Anyway, what I thought it was the most difficult thing to do was to do the task without thinking about the next 50 things I needed to do. Only possible when I was doing something really enjoyable or repetitive, or when I was mentally screaming at myself to stop the mental diarrhoea.

The interesting thing is that I just started to read a book called “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle that speaks exactly about how our thoughts keep us from being present and whole.

The thing is that in a World that values “thinking”, “doing” and being “mechanically efficient” so much; doing, or better “being”, different demands constant attention. Maybe next time!?

What about you? Any success?

Online activism

We live in a connected world. A world where distance became reality to the size of our souls and disposition.

For example, today I received an email from a friend advertising the petition of a human right's NGO called Avaaz. The petition was about a law in Uganda, that at first wouldn't affect my life at all. But as I believe the butterfly effect and the history of the 100th monkey; I signed and shared the link on facebook.

The fact is that it wasn't difficult to support an organization the believes, as I do, in “closing the gap between the world we have, and the world most people everywhere want” . I didn't even need to risk my life as one of their campaign's coordinator does. All I needed was 2 minutes of my time to answer an e-mail at my inbox.

Chances like this reminded me of this quote I love by Edward Everett Hale: “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do".

If you also want to know and contribute to the organization, go to their website and follow their campaigns at:   http://www.avaaz.org/en/about.php#howwework. And by the way, the picture above was taken from it.

Procratination, a word I adore!

I don’t know about you, but I have a problem (in fact many, but I’ll share one at a time in order not to scary you too fast): I procrastinate!

It is more or less like an escalated writer’s block with a perfect logic behind it! I sit my @$$ in front of the computer, but “since the inspiration didn’t show up in the first 30 seconds”, I feel “it’s not the right moment” and so, “I’d better watch another chapter of my favourite TV show”! When I realize the whole season is over; I haven’t done what I need or want; and I spent so much time in the computer I now have a headache.

This normally happens in two moments: when I want to start something; or when I have just finished a task. In the first case, there always seems to be “something better” to do and so, I postpone projects and ideas. In the second, it my brain shuts off satisfied as soon as a task is over, giving me a “deserved break” even if there’s still a bunch of things on my to-do-list to cover.


This is how I postpone plans, life projects, small and big changes, diets, to exercise, apologies, e-mails' answers, and in many cases, my happiness. And I'm especially creative in my procrastination, being able to spend the afternoon in a perfect imaginary party's soundtrack or playing Angry Birds in the computer. Meanwhile life goes by and doesn't come back. I repeat (in a vain attempt to convince myself): IT DOESN'T COME BACK!

However I've become more conscious about the impacts of procrastination and decided to fight it. After all, as Mark Twain said: " Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do." and he is right. And I? I don't want to be a disappointed person; on the contrary! So I follow his advice: "so throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover" And I? I'll live!

A half-full-of-champagne glass

I’m sure you already heard the expression “glass half full or half empty”! It’s normally used to identify positive and negative people in a kind of plastic, selective process memorized answer type: “Oh! Me? I’m a ‘half full glass’ type of girl; always positive about everything!”.

Argh, let’s be honest! The glass is half way and that’s it! The difference is only on how you look at it; and this is a matter of choice.

Sometimes I choose that the glass is half empty and I react accordingly. Sometimes I choose that the glass is half full and I have another reaction. And, sometimes I choose it’s a flute glass; full of champagne and that, changes the way I face my day. The fact is that if I choose even how I perceive and react about something, even more all the rest.

Deep down, to choose is to pick a road and go! Therefore, it is mine the choice to be kind; it is mine the choice to be present; it is mine the choice to enjoy; it is mine the choice to cease my now; it is mine the choice to make my now better! Etc! Etc! Etc! 

Choice is essential! Without it, it’s impossible to get hold of anything. Without choice we lose the right to responsible and accept consequences. Maybe this is interesting when results are negative (who never had a scapegoat is either an only child or a saint and throw the stone); but what about when they are positive?

Yes, I know it isn’t easy to choose! And, I confess I have been choosing badly in some moments! For example, I’ve been choosing to complain too much about my life and waiting periods, even knowing they are  temporary and a result of conscious and extremely happy choices I've made recently! I also have been choosing to procrastinate (also called lazyness, but the other way looks prettier) and to postpone good results for me. I chose to stop my Kung Fu classes for over a year, even knowing they are essential to my sanity and incredibly good for my body.

But the beauty of choice it’s in the freedom it allow us. When I’m responsible, I’m also free and I can choose again if for any reason I screwed up last time.

Today you can choose to join me! You don’t need to write a blog or do a ceremony to make your participation official; all you need is to choose to act; now!

Carpe Diem: Tempus Fugit...

"Whenever there are alternatives, be careful. Do not choose the convenient, the comfortable, the respectable, the socially acceptable, the honourable. Choose what makes your heart vibrates. Choose what you would like to do, despite all consequences." (Osho)

The quote by Osho may seem strange, polemic, according to the way you read it. But, to me, it talks about presence. This ability to be whole where you are; and to be happy, vibrating because of it. Consequences in this case are normally positive!

No life lover is happy if not complete where he/she is. Enjoying that unique moment, knowing it will go away. Carpe Diem: Tempus Fugit! Cease the day, time perishes!

Easily said, hardly done! I've travelled wanting to stay home; went to church wanting to be at that BBQ with friends; stayed late at work, wanting to see that friend I hadn't met for such a while... Not there, nor here! I chose because I thought it was convenient, comfortable, respectable, socially acceptable, honourable, "right"; and most of the time I blamed someone for the lack of honesty with myself. To be there wasn't what I really wanted. Body in a place; minda nd heart in another. I went by the moment but didn't enter in it, didn't live! What was the fun of it?

This lack of presence doesn't happen only when I get divided after a choice. Right now, while I write this text, I stopped many time to get things ready to sleep, while my mind thought about many things. As a result I had to correct the text many times. I didn't write it whole; nor enjoyed the time to get ready for a nice sleep.

On the other hand, my best memories are those in which I can go back in time and feel what I felt; being the memory so physical! The connection with someone dear in the silence after laughter; a divine revelation sat in the grass; the pleasure tiredness of a dancing  body in and unforgettable party; childhood tastes of yummy things only grannies can manage to cook; and so many other. Moments in which I was present. As when we hug someone we like so much and years later, when remembering it, we feel the heart hugging again and our lips open in a smile.

However the point of presence is not to become neurotic or with a heavy consciousness! A 100% presence is for the illuminated (maybe we'll get there eventually) only! And, to drop the work to go to the movies 'cause your heart told you so, isn't fair play! Presence should be practiced! It means to enjoy where you are without stress or pressure. Doing your work with the most passion and attention possible and than, go to the movies! It is to cease every second of the film because you don't need to be worried about your boss looking for you or about that report with a deadline in the next couple of days you haven't even started.

Presence is to enjoy a dish experiencing every bite, every flavour, texture, temperature; instead of swallowing it down. To sit in the sofa to read a book and feel the softness of the fabric against your body, your fingers going through the pages, the story getting into your mind and playing with your heart. It is to be with friends with no rush, without thinking about the dishes you'll have to wash after dinner, to listen to what they are saying behind blue eyes or smiles. It is also to follow the rhythm of life; wake up with the spring; get lighter with the summer; slow down at Fall; reflect during winter. 

Presence is part of this blog because without it is impossible to write anything with content. It is part of life because without it is impossible to live "now". 

From where do we start?

From the beginning... the first step... the first text... the decision together with the action... from anywhere! What is most important is to begin!  

This blog is an invitation I made myself to start something real to change what I believe isn't fine: NOW, RIGHT AWAY, IMMEDIATELY! I'd like to forward this invitation to you! 

It's simple! It mix things I discovered about me, to things I'd like to see happening and an idea!

Things I discovered about me

- I'm impatient; I want things to happen right now!

- I adore life; think it's a gift and that I should enjoy it to the most!

- I'm not an island; what I do impact other people and the World and vice-versa!

- I have a choice!

Things I'd like to see happening 

- a happier World!

- people becoming more conscious, whole, free and happy!
- people complaining less and doing more!

The idea

- To live a better now!

How?

Applying simple concepts to concrete actions: being kinder, making better choices, being more present, being more patient, smiling more often, acting lighter, sharing good things, questioning things that doesn't make sense etc. All to improve myself and possibly affect people and the world; so that my "right now" is better and I become happier (yes, the proposal is totally egoistic after all)!

Here is the invitation! I believe a better now starts with me; how about you?